A moment of darkness

I haven't blogged about cancer in quite a long time.  Honestly I am finally to a point where I don't even think about it everyday unless something triggers it.

Like today.

5 years ago today I was on the table having a radical hysterectomy.  That means EVERYTHING. Uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries and even my cervix were removed via a robot.  It was #17 of the 21 surgeries I had in 18 months.  It was a premptive strike so cancer could not metastasize to those organs.

I remember that morning.  I wasn't scared of surgery.  It had become kind of a comfort knowing this one was helping me NOT have more cancer.  And I kind of had the surgery down after so many. And I haven't thought much about it since.

Until today.

I have been upset and angry a lot lately.  Life has been stressful with two teens, the heavy burden of medical bills, my struggling health and just life.  People don't understand that being a survivor is hard.  Really hard. The support wanes because you don't look sick and aren't in treatment anymore so it is assumed you are "back to normal. But "back to normal" doesn't exist. I still have doctor appointments, scans and blood tests to screen if the cancer is active again.  I am tired and in pain everyday. And I live with a metric crap ton of guilt. Guilt I survived while other considerably more amazing women did not.  Guilt for the burden it has put on my kids. Guilt for not living a more healthy life prior. Guilt I can't even explain.

Today. This year for some reason I am in deep mourning for the loss of my uterus.  The loss of my womanhood.  I feel hollow where my womb used to be. Maybe it's the realization I'll be an empty nester in just a few years.  Really empty since I'm single too. Maybe it's the insomnia I now have due to whacko hormones which leaves me running on empty. Maybe I'm having my midlife crisis. Maybe it's the Russians or North Koreans or the eclipse. Maybe...maybe...maybe...

I don't know.  All I do know is I feel sad, super pissed off, ugly and and so small and insignificant as a woman these days. I can't remember the last time I felt beautiful. They say there are five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. If I am angry does that mean that 5 years later I am only at the second stage? Or do we cycle through the stages randomly?  I don't know. 

So today it feels fitting there will be a total eclipse.  Several minutes of  darkness where the moon completely  blocks the sun. Because that is how I feel.  Engulfed in darkness. I feel such a deep sense of loss and mourning. 

But even in a total eclipse you cannot block out all of the light of the sun.  If you look at photos of an eclipse it actually looks like the light is surrounding the darkness of the moon rather than the moon blocking out the light. The more darkness there is, the brighter a light shines. In that I also feel a sense of hope.  It's small today but it is there. I believe it is there and belief outweighs so much when it comes to success. I believe this moment of darkness will pass much like the light from the sun will return as the moon moves through it's phase.  I believe it is teaching me and I will be better, stronger, more compassionate and wiser for it. 

But for right now I am going to sit in the darkness.  I am going to allow the mourning.  I am going to dive into the grief and sit with it. Maybe I will finally cry about my missing womb. I don't know what I will need to push through this grief but I will.  I just will. 

I am going to have my own eclipse....of the heart. 

(I know you're all singing that song now...)