Are we there yet? I've endured diagnosis, biopsies, port placement, chemo, double mastectomy, mastectomy repair, radiation, hysterectomy, seizures and all while going through a long divorce. Are we getting close to being done here??
I remember sitting down with my plastic surgeon just before mastectomy. We talked about reconstruction and the choices I needed to make. It was harder than you think.
First I had to decide if I even wanted it. Part of me just wanted the mastectomy and to be done with surgeries. I don't mind surgery, but at some point when you roll the dice as many times as I was, you're going to lose. So I was seriously considering just doing no reconstruction. I remember seeing this picture and thinking I wanted to feel as free as her.
But after some careful guidance and meditation I did choose reconstruction. I was still young. And I'm single. I wanted to still feel like a woman. The man I was dating at the time was not very accepting of my body during cancer and was pushing me really hard to get my new body done. (More on dating and cancer later.) And well honestly, I pretty much chose it for all of the wrong reasons. But I chose it.
So I had to choose what size. I was a DD going into cancer.
I didn't want to be a DD coming out of it. I hated having giant boobs. I thought they were gross and I hated bras. So I opted for a B cup. Until my surgeon talked me out of it. He was very intuitive and shared with me how important it is to be able to identify with my body after cancer. To look completely different can cause some psychological issues later. So I made him a deal. I'd be a D if he could make it so I didn't have to wear a bra again. Ever. It was on!
I also had to choose nipples. <<<Yes, you really did read that correct. For those of you that don't know how a mastectomy is done I've simplified it:
1. They cut around your nipple
2. They cut out from the nipple towards your arm pit and breast bone.
3. They open those flaps take it all out. ( For me, lymph nodes too)
Here's a video (not my surgery):
If you don't want to watch it all, just go to 19:55 and watch them lift the nipple, breast and lymph nodes out all at once.
So here I am just before my first reconstruction. Notice the ultra tan right breast from radiation. lol
But look how great my scars were already looking. I think so at least.
I was really looking forward to getting those expanders out. They were not comfortable. At all.
So my surgeon uses silcone implants exclusively. He says they don't leave a ripple like saline. Meaning when you move or lean over the saline makes your skin ripple and it is obvious you have implants. Also silicone doesn't rupture and leak. If it is damaged it just holds it's form. If saline ruptures it is like a balloon popping and it will leak into your body.
But I had huge skin flaps to fill. The largest silicone implant is 800cc. That was far from enough. So first the implants go in and then my surgeon does fat grafting. This is where he liposuctions out fat from my belly and injects it into my breasts, over the implants. (It's more complicated but this is a basic description.)
This fills in the skin flaps more and makes them feel and look more natural. My surgeon just used the same incision with which I had just had my robotic hysterectomy. Why make new scars? He was always thinking ahead like that. I was like "Yes please, take AS MUCH fat as you want!" Little did I know it was not going to improve the look of my abdomen. As a matter of fact I think it looks worse now. But I would still do it if I had to choose again. So off into surgery I go:
On the table and ready to get those expanders out. See how hard they are?
Other side
Looking at those expanders makes my chest hurt.
Reopened and implants in. He went in through the mastectomy incisions.
Fat grafting done.
Final pic of first reconstruction.
Recovery was not too bad. Except the lipo part of my abdomen. Holy crap. Why do people have lipo on purpose? Wowzer.
And this is 20 days post op:
The radiated skin on my right is much more taut therefore holds it's shape better. I was feeling great but we realized I would need another fat grafting at my next reconstruction. They were an odd shape and didn't match. The scar in the upper quadrant of my chest is from my port which was now removed. The scar in the middle is actually a tattoo for radiation.
I still felt like a goddess compared to how I'd been feeling for last 11 months.
And yes, I rocked a leather skirt to my appointment this day. I was feeling ALIVE!
Next blog: Nips. I swear.
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